God is an Asshole


In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth... or so the story goes. Life was created in 7 days, but again, things likely get muddled in the translation between all powerful beings and tiny human meat computers that explode on the sight of said being.

If it wasn't already clear, we're gonna talk about the bible again. I'm gonna try and leave my own experiences out of this conversation and focus on the bible as is... or as was. Where I know translation issues completely change the meaning of scripture, I will refer to the intent behind the original writings, when referring to God, I will be referring to them probably using all pronouns. The Bible dictates that God made mankind, in his image. Yet the idea behind a gendered being creating men and women in his image, seems more like an interpretation and overall patriarchy decision.

This brings us to our first scripture (I'm using the New International Version of the bible):

Episode: File 0089: The Gay Gods of Anchorage pt. 2

Release Date: Feb 17 2023

Researched and presented by Nathan

Gensis 1:26,27 -

26 Then God said, "Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals,[a] and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

I want to point out verse 27. This is where some religions and cultures divide on the first humans, and this is really important for this whole thing because interpretation and intent is important when studying the bible. So, here we go. God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he create THEM; male and female he created THEM.

Now, we all know the story in 2nd Genesis where Adam is lonely and doesn't have a companion so God is like, "Lets fix that, let's get you a wife for the low low cost of one rib!" The implication of the first chapter though is an interesting one. Christian religions look at 1st Genesis as a high level beginning of creation that it doesn't have much baring on the overall narrative. In Judaism however, they use interpretive texts, the Midrash and the Talmud. These actually take a more literal approach and say that in 1St Genesis that God created Adam and Lilith, someone who shows up both in interpretive scripture and Jewish folklore. The idea was that Lilith refused the supposed hierarchy of a subservient woman, and was ejected from the garden of Eden. Later, after the creation of Eve, she would infiltrate the garden, rape Adam while he slept and have demon babies...

Now that we have a solid foundation of how folks interpret the bible (not), let's get farther into it. My interpretation is that the bible (at least the old testament, and the account of Jesus) is a list of abuses from a shitty space fairy parent who never intended to become a parent in the first place.

In Genesis 2 is when we learn of all of the delicious shit God put in front of Adam including the Tree of life AND the Tree of knowledge of good and evil. They to Adam said "hey bro, all these trees you can eat from, but if you eat from the Tree of Knowledge you'll defs die." That's obviously paraphrased but the scriptural references are Genesis 2: 8,9,16,17

Genesis 2:

8 Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. 9 The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground-trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

16 And the Lord God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die."

So, lets add some context here. God goes out, creates man and woman, they obviously have some kind of self-awareness but not a lot. They're like toddlers but worse, they will likely never learn enough to be able to make their own choices that actually matter in this world. They're God's barbie dolls. "I created you, and all this stuff for you to name, so you can make it yours because of me. Go off and make more little dolls that will basically be mindless beings who will serve me and give me glory."

This is kind of the same situation that lead to the angels revolting and being cast down to earth. "Well, shit I gave you enough knowledge to know, and now you think I'm a bad parent? Out you go, bye, see you never."

Moving on to Genesis 3 this where we see Satan disguised as a serpent telling Eve that by strictly eating the fruit, that she wouldn't die. Obviously, there is a bit of information missing. Satan is aware of the petulant child that is God but doesn't give that information to Eve.

After both her and Adam eat the fruit, they realize that they are naked, God talks to them and basically pulls the "Who told you that? Why do you know that? You're just kids!" Then as punishment curses them for eternity, but not just them, all of the animals and livestock in the world and all of their children and grandchildren to come.

Then! To add insult to injury, God plants an angel at the gates of Eden, with a big ol' flaming sword:22 And the Lord God said, "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever." 23 So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. 24 After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side[e] of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.

Now, I didn't cover the angelic revolt, but 3 chapters into the bible and we already see that God is... just an entitled child. I'm gonna get struck down, I'm sure of it.

Let's move on from this because, well... there is more.

Genesis 22

If we move on to Abraham, later in Genesis. He was shown to be a faithful servant of God. Eventually, he was asked to pack up his family and move to another country, one he didn't know, just "go west!". He didn't know where he'd end up but he was asked to go and was promised that his kids would continue to inherit the land they flourished in.

After some time God felt like Abraham's faith needed to be tested. Abraham, who has packed up his wife and moved across the known world on a whim, and continued to worship day after day, needed to be tested. That test? Build an alter to me and kill your adult son. So, as any faithful servant would Abraham went to do it. At the last minute God was like "Naw, its good. You're good, thanks for that, I feel better now". Apparently, a goat was provided as a sacrifice for almost killing his kid.

I don't know about anyone else, but the idea of forcing a person to offer up their only kid after 100 years of not being able to produce children seems like a cruel and unusual way of showing you appreciate the fact that a 90 year old dude packed all his shit up and moved to another country for your glorious plan.

Genesis 17

We've already discussed Lot in the episode forever ago when I discussed translation mishaps that are conveniently used to oppress people but let's go back. Lot was living in Sodom with his two daughters and wife. God sent two angels, which the whole city thought were super-hot and wanted to fuck, (questioning if the writer was questioning here) to get Lot and his family out, because in mere hours the two cities were going to be hit with fireballs like some kind of reckless wizard was in town.

If there is one thing that is clear it's that, at least in the early days, God had a knack for just getting fed up and destroying everything they saw as "not good".

Again, you as the parent caused this. You could have not planted this tree in the first place, OR you could have said "you know, maybe now that you have all this knowledge, I should send someone I trust to teach you?" But no, instead you eject the kinds into the world at a single wrong doing, bar them from help and eternal life because "no one else should be like us, that's for us alone." Then, later because of your refusal to try and take preventative measures you resort to complete obliteration.

Anyway, we know the story, Lot got the fuck out, everyone in the city died by raining fire, but his wife even though they were told not to look back, looked back and turned into a pilar of salt. Good stuff, goooooood stuff.

I would like to point out that all of this shit just sits within the realm of normal with people. Their excuse is "they should have listened". But the reality is, a lot of us would have cut a person like this out of our lives instantly for any of this behavior... some of us would have had to plan it, and then escape, some would have burned their house down.

Genesis 6-9

Now in my researching today, I realized that I didn't exactly to this in order, because the next piece is the flood. 600 years into Noah's life or Arkman if he was a megaman boss, God was suuuuper sad that they created humans and was like "that's it, I'm done. Shouldn't have done this... oh, but those ones are still good. They get the secret boat code". As such, Noah had to collect all of the animals and tell people there was a flood coming. Obviously, people brushed this off and EVERYONE died, but its ok because God gave us rainbows.

This is like... and forgive me for this, but this is like getting the shit beat out of you and your abuser getting you a super expensive make up kit because "they love you and they're so incredibly sorry" but are hoping you use it to hide the bruises. Then they go and rain fire on two cities later...

The book of Job

We're gonna talk about Job, the bible refers to this dude as the best guy a guy could be in terms of just loving folks, being a god fearing man, and genuinely of good character. In the book of Job chapter 1 God and Satan are having a chat, God says "look at this guy, he's good, the best around, no one like him."Satan responds with "I bet you that could change" and so God took the bet. Instead of saying, "no, I don't think I will." He takes the bet and lets Satan do what he wants to the dude, as long as it's not directly killing Job.

Job in the course of a day had 4 messengers visit:The first noted that he was the sole survivor of an attack again his Oxen and Donkeys that ended with the death of all of the servants taking care of them. The animals had been taken in the raid.

The second said that fire rained down from the sky and burned the sheep and servants, he was again the lone survivor.

The third proclaimed that raiding parties made off with the herd of camels and killed all but the last servant.

Lastly, the 4th, showed up and said that a great wind blew down the house that his children were having a dinner party in, everyone died and he was the last.

Job was obviously in a miserable state, but did not curse God.

Eventually, God and Satan talked again. God bragged about his faithful servant, and Satan said "I bet you I can change that". God said "do you thing"So Job was cursed with boils, his wife left him to his misery. The rest of the book, is a conversation between a guy who refuses to believe that God had anything to do with his suffering, and rejecting all of his friend's ideas that maaaaaybe he should move on.

Again, in great fashion, after all of this is over God comes back with the "thanks guy, here is twice as many of everything you lost, even kids." Like it never happened.

Matthew all of it!

The last bit I want to touch on is the book of Matthew, the first book of the new testament. A hotly disputed portion of the bible in some religions, a cornerstone of others.

The book of Matthew doesn't really explain what might have happened with God and Mary, but what we do know, and what religions overlook, is that Mary was promised to Joseph when she was 12-14. That was marriageable age in that time. So, God pulled a Zeus and put a baby in a 12 or 14 year old girl. In true fashion for that time Joseph was like "Ok... but I'm going to divorce this girl because she's already pregnant. I won't let anyone know why, but I don't like it" Then he has vision from an angel that's like "hey, take care of God's kid."

So, by the time this girl was 13 or 15 she had God's kid, while this 20-25 year old dude had to deal with being dad to their son. Let's not forget that this is supposedly an already existing spirit being that was created in heaven with a full name and a purpose. So, on some instinctual level this child is growing up knowing full well that their life is to be forfeit on behalf of all of these people he meets through 33 years of life that are pretty terrible in some cases. His whole existence is "Am I good enough? I'm supposed to preach to people and set the world right, like what?"

I should mention that it's around this time that God stops talking to people directly in the bible, any miracles that happen come from Jesus, he is the conduit with which God uses to send miracles. Jesus doesn't even get to talk to the man upstairs, but he knows full well that other people, God's favorite toy, got to chat with the guy in the past. Hell, even big brother Satan comes by for a chat at one point to tempt him, but no, Jesus trudges on to his death, knowing full well that his life on earth is being given up for... play things.

When Jesus dies, he still never has the chance to talk directly to God, he asks why he was forsaken, then three days later goes home, in what is considered the last miracle of the bible. It's all a lot to take in, but this doesn't scream to me at all "loving creator, who wants everyone to love them and be good and happy." It's kind of like a petulant child who accidentally created life and is pissed that it won't do what it wants.

Heck, even in revelations which I won't get into really at all, it's a full on fight to win back the earth, and save the best of the best toys from the child you decided was too willful.

Full Source List

  • New International Version Bible:
  • Genesis 1:26,27
  • Genesis 2:8,9,16,17
  • Genesis 3:22-24
  • Genesis 6-9
  • Genesis 22
  • Genesis 17
  • Job 1,42
  • Matthew 1,27,28